What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 09:06
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im still living with it.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Has anyone ever participated in a gang bang and what was it like?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
What should every American know before traveling to the UK?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When she asked me how she looked .
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She found it foreign!.
I was seconnd youngest,
Who then, do I blame.?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Would this be the day?
Do you remember one day, you put a deep smile on someone's face and made them very happy?
This is soul school!.
Put me off passion for life!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why is the US going after Canada after all? What is the reason for all this hostility?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
How does it feel to be in a marriage without any love?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
What is the best way to get my wife to become a hotwife?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
How do you know how physically attractive you actually are?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What’s the saddest thing you’ve seen at your job?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was in good health!
But, we were locked up after school.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I know ,a lot about trauma.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My family never makes their pension either.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was very sick at this time too.
And i lived it daily.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I have no regrets .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We all went to grammer schools
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I could never make a relationship work though!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She wouldn,t have been !
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He knew the spot.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What did i know ?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Comes on , in middle age.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So, i spoilt her more .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was 9 years of age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My life is so biszare .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I write beautiful poetry .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We were not on the streets..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I think the readers, may guess!
She loved him until the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
All the time i was locked up.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So whats the point in blame.
It was going to be , some day.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I will be 64.
One cannot live in the past .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But it wasn’t much.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Ive learnt so much.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I couldn’t, believe it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I waited trembling.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She married twice! .